kitideboo

  I wore these when I was pregnant and I wore them to see Sex In The City! My feet still haven't recovered..

Well I have been feeling great, much more determined, and really strong. I am much better knowing that I can do things I set my mind to. That said, making food for other people is very hard, triggering and is a frustrating period in the day for me. I really hate it and wish I didn't have to go any where near food. I don't miss it until I have to touch and feel and smell it. I know I have to eat something to live, I mean I can see the effects of not eating already in my nails, but once I have not eaten for a while it is a real struggle to then try and eat something just for the sake of it. Then I feel I have failed, so then I eat a lot of stuff. Not unhealthy stuff but food, and it hurts my tummy and makes me feel very dark, and unhappy and fat, and bloated.

I am trying to justify my eating by telling myself that it will boost my metabolism..and that it is important. One day of eating, through 4/5 of not can't be that damaging, although obviously I would like not to have that day at all. So we continue trying.

Tomorrow gym begins.

 

SKIN OFFERINGS - by michelle mc grane

you surprised,
no - terrified -
me,
when i visited the hospital.

you'd committed yourself -
after all -

i'd thought you wanted
to get better.

sullen silence, anger, despondent tears,
i was prepared for any eventuality,
except
sharp-edged, smiling, anorexic resolve.

your body, turned cannibal,
is devouring itself.

i wonder, elf-girl,
where you find
the strength, determination,
to starve yourself
when there is
so little
of you left.

with shadowy satisfaction
you tell me
you are still
refusing to eat;
the nurses have threatened to
put you in "lock-up".

you proudly exhibit mutilation marks:
angry red welts, fluid-filled blisters,

sin-offerings, skin-offerings,

on bony wrists, on
your neck, for god's sake!
you've burnt patterns
on your skin
with a lighter.

your religion: concave stomach,
protruding bones;
offered prayers: laxatives &
valium.

dying to be thin,
an emaciated sacrifice
to a relentless god -
this crucified flesh is innocent,
it's the mind that is not.

 

 I ate for the first time in four days and it was horrible but I am feeling wrong in myself. I hate to admit that I ate, but I did. I have to be honest. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning and my leg is still very sore and achey..hopefully its not serious. I think I will fast for 4 days and then eat on the fifth. Fast for four and then eat on the fifth..nothing very much..just 200 calories of steamed vegetables and some thin slices of turkey. Just until I can get to the gym. Infact I might just continue whilst I go to the gym and see how I feel. There is only one way I am going and that is down in weight.

 

 

 

I am happier today than I have been in a while..partly because I have not eaten, partly because I love this community and the girls who give me support through everything, partly to someone who is the most amazing thinspo ever..she will know who she is, and has given me a ray of hope that I can get to my goal, partly because of my loss of appetite, physically and mentally I am not interested in food..it is absolutely fantastic..I just can't tell you what a revelation it has been..thats not to say that I'm not worried about long term maintainence..obviously I can't just not eat for ever..so what do I do? Don't know just now, but I know that all I'm interested in is getting to my 1st GW and then planning on how to get to the 2nd GW..from then on its all about maintaining that..but I have got to get there first..Honestly I feel like a different person, just for not having any substantial food in me..its amazing and I could cry because I feel so good..I just hope that I can carry it on..I'm counting down to trying my dress on..then to Christmas..then to my birthday..then its only 7 months to my wedding...

 

 

God, life is such a different place when you are positive, losing weight, and surrounded by you girls :) I feel so happy today, thank you all for being so great I really appreciate and love you all xxxxxxxx thank you xx

 Nice huh?

is what I am..and what I am is sad..

I  know I recently posted that I am done with anger. Which I am. Mostly.  Today I am just disappinted in myself.I feel like I need to have two months out of my life to concentrate on me without all the other stuff going on around me. I feel like I can't concentrate or achieve any of my goals.I feel like I am stuck in this fat body for as long as I live. Now I know that I am lucky to be healthy, but I really need to progess on my path for my own sake. It doesn't help having a cold, and having had no sleep, feeling like a big donut. Nothing is going to change unless I can get to the gym everyday. I am always going to look the way I do if I don't work it into my day.The bad thing about the whole situation is that I want to be thin right now, this second, next month isn't good enough. What can I do?

 is what I am..pathetic..and fat..

 

 

I'm so tired today and seriously lacking energy because I have been up all night with my little boy..I hope he gets better soon, no sleep is so hard to cope with! Thank goodness for coffee! Didn't get to the gym yeaterday which is a bit disappointing, but tonight, and definately saturday and sunday..I am hoping that today brings me strength and more determination..in all aspects of my life..
I am going to take my little boy to the park today and play with him to take his mind off his cough :)